How You're Getting in Your Own Way with Nicole Lohse

Nicole Lohse: 00:00:00

Okay the kids having a temper tantrum, and if

Nicole Lohse: 00:00:02

a parent or caregiver meets it in a way where it's like, don't

Nicole Lohse: 00:00:07

have the temper tantrum, like, Get over yourself, like, you

Nicole Lohse: 00:00:10

know, distract or shaming, or whatever it is that's imprinting

Nicole Lohse: 00:00:14

in their system. It's not okay to have feelings. It's not okay

Nicole Lohse: 00:00:18

to be an expression of my lack of needs that are being met, and

Nicole Lohse: 00:00:22

it's either entangling shame into it or again, like, oh, the

Nicole Lohse: 00:00:27

distraction just makes me never actually move through what I'm

Nicole Lohse: 00:00:30

experiencing and recognizing I'm okay. And that's the difference

Nicole Lohse: 00:00:34

in between nervous system regulation versus dysregulation.

Nicole Lohse: 00:00:38

If we're constantly taught from an early age to feel a certain

Nicole Lohse: 00:00:43

way, to be a certain way, to be shamed when we are feeling that

Nicole Lohse: 00:00:49

instantly is teaching us to become dysregulated in how we

Nicole Lohse: 00:00:53

experience ourselves or how we're ultimately being human.

Kate Harlow: 00:00:58

Hello, beautiful. I am so excited for you to hear

Kate Harlow: 00:01:02

this incredibly just healing episode you will be transformed.

Kate Harlow: 00:01:07

Nicole Laos is just absolutely a hugely brilliant Somatic

Kate Harlow: 00:01:13

Experiencing practitioner. She's trained in Feldenkrais in

Kate Harlow: 00:01:18

internal family systems. Nicole bridges, science, spirituality

Kate Harlow: 00:01:24

and lived experience, and she is so in alignment on the path. She

Kate Harlow: 00:01:27

even does a little session with me in this episode, she's just

Kate Harlow: 00:01:31

so walking the talk, helping women humans, but all humans who

Kate Harlow: 00:01:37

are stuck in their survival patterns, really get to know

Kate Harlow: 00:01:41

their survival patterns and get to understand the nuances of

Kate Harlow: 00:01:45

where our patterns come from and the deeper traumas they're

Kate Harlow: 00:01:48

trying to protect in such a beautiful, compassionate,

Kate Harlow: 00:01:51

honoring way, like she helps you have so much compassion for

Kate Harlow: 00:01:55

these parts of yourself, and shows you how to start Living

Kate Harlow: 00:01:59

more from your wholeness. And her work is incredibly embodied.

Kate Harlow: 00:02:03

It's incredibly powerful. She's so brilliant and such a love and

Kate Harlow: 00:02:09

such a magical like, like Earth fairy earth being. She's so, so

Kate Harlow: 00:02:15

grounded, so heart centered, and just Yeah, has a lot of wisdom

Kate Harlow: 00:02:19

to share. And this episode is, it's a workshop, it really and

Kate Harlow: 00:02:22

she does take me through a process. So get out your

Kate Harlow: 00:02:25

notebook. Get out your journal. Um, enjoy the episode. Spread

Kate Harlow: 00:02:29

all the word or spread the word to all your all your friends.

Kate Harlow: 00:02:32

Share this episode with anyone you know who you think could

Kate Harlow: 00:02:35

benefit and enjoy.

Kate Harlow: 00:02:42

Hello. Beautiful. Welcome to the new truth podcast. Hi Nicole, Hi

Nicole Lohse: 00:02:49

Kate.

Kate Harlow: 00:02:50

I'm so I'm so excited to do this. Have this

Kate Harlow: 00:02:54

chat with you, and I first have to share the hilarious moment

Kate Harlow: 00:02:58

that just happened where I said, Do you want to ground? So just

Kate Harlow: 00:03:03

for some context, every every episode Catherine and I have

Kate Harlow: 00:03:07

done over the last, obviously, Catherine's not here anymore,

Kate Harlow: 00:03:10

but over the last four and a half years, almost five years,

Kate Harlow: 00:03:15

we always ground before every episode. And when we have guests

Kate Harlow: 00:03:17

on, we ground, we do this little it's actually psychosomatic, and

Kate Harlow: 00:03:22

it's a three part thing to to get, you know, present and

Kate Harlow: 00:03:26

connected to our bodies and connected to each other. And I

Kate Harlow: 00:03:30

said to Nicole, do you want to ground before we recorded? And

Kate Harlow: 00:03:34

she goes, You know me, I don't need grounding. I got five, I

Kate Harlow: 00:03:38

got five planets in Taurus. And I'm like, oh yeah. And I have

Kate Harlow: 00:03:43

three so I think we're grounded enough. Let's go. We don't need

Kate Harlow: 00:03:48

more grounding. We need more fire. So let's light the fire.

Nicole Lohse: 00:03:51

And I love it. It's funny too, because I, you

Nicole Lohse: 00:03:56

know, I often don't do much grounding, and even in my

Nicole Lohse: 00:03:59

programs, when I'm working with my clients, it's not something I

Nicole Lohse: 00:04:03

guide people into because, not just because, you know, it's

Nicole Lohse: 00:04:07

easy for me to be in that space, but also because what I teach is

Nicole Lohse: 00:04:11

more how can we be with our experience, instead of always

Nicole Lohse: 00:04:14

trying to change our experience? And I think people are really

Nicole Lohse: 00:04:18

caught up in resourcing themselves. And, you know,

Nicole Lohse: 00:04:22

having these strategies, these grounding practices, and all

Nicole Lohse: 00:04:25

these things, the list of toolboxes, which, of course, is

Nicole Lohse: 00:04:28

important. I'm not saying it's not important, but I really want

Nicole Lohse: 00:04:32

to invite people to recognize the difference of like, I'm I'm

Nicole Lohse: 00:04:36

doing something to change my experience, versus how do I

Nicole Lohse: 00:04:40

pause and actually just acknowledge what it is I'm

Nicole Lohse: 00:04:42

experiencing

Kate Harlow: 00:04:43

totally because it's, it's like, that's what

Kate Harlow: 00:04:47

people have done to us our whole lives. Is like, change how your

Kate Harlow: 00:04:50

feet, like a little kid's having a temper tantrum. And it's like,

Kate Harlow: 00:04:53

there people are just trying to change the experience to, like,

Kate Harlow: 00:04:56

be happy. Look you got ice cream. Like, look over here.

Nicole Lohse: 00:04:59

And. Can drag you from feeling, yeah, instead of

Nicole Lohse: 00:05:02

actually just being with, you know,

Kate Harlow: 00:05:04

totally like, what you're when the sunset is there,

Kate Harlow: 00:05:06

you're just, like, with it. No matter what the sunset is,

Kate Harlow: 00:05:09

you're with the sunset. Can you be with? I love that. And, and,

Kate Harlow: 00:05:13

yeah, I just, I think there's a lot of a lot of things in

Kate Harlow: 00:05:16

healing that then get taken like, it will really, like, the

Kate Harlow: 00:05:19

ego gets a hold of it, and then it becomes this thing that we

Kate Harlow: 00:05:22

use against ourselves or that we're in instead of actually

Kate Harlow: 00:05:25

something to support you.

Nicole Lohse: 00:05:27

Yeah, we can even use that kid with the ice cream

Nicole Lohse: 00:05:29

as an example, right? It's like, okay, the kid's having a temper

Nicole Lohse: 00:05:32

tantrum. And if a parent or caregiver meets it in a way

Nicole Lohse: 00:05:37

where it's like, don't have the temper tantrum, like, Get over

Nicole Lohse: 00:05:40

yourself, like, you know, distract or shaming, or whatever

Nicole Lohse: 00:05:44

it is that's imprinting in their system. It's not okay to have

Nicole Lohse: 00:05:48

feelings. It's not okay to be an expression of my lack of needs

Nicole Lohse: 00:05:52

that are being met, and it's either entangling shame into it

Nicole Lohse: 00:05:57

or again, like, oh, the distraction just makes me never

Nicole Lohse: 00:06:00

actually move through what I'm experiencing and recognizing I'm

Nicole Lohse: 00:06:03

okay. And that's the difference in between nervous system

Nicole Lohse: 00:06:08

regulation versus dysregulation. If we're constantly taught from

Nicole Lohse: 00:06:11

an early age to feel a certain way, to be a certain way, to be

Nicole Lohse: 00:06:18

shamed when we are feeling that instantly is teaching us to

Nicole Lohse: 00:06:22

become dysregulated in how we experience ourselves, or how

Nicole Lohse: 00:06:27

we're ultimately being human, versus if the kid with an ice

Nicole Lohse: 00:06:31

cream is having a tantrum, and we meet them in that like, Hey,

Nicole Lohse: 00:06:35

I see you're upset. And of course, easier said than done

Nicole Lohse: 00:06:38

when we're in our own dysregulation. But I'm just

Nicole Lohse: 00:06:40

going to hold this, yeah, example. But you know, if we

Nicole Lohse: 00:06:44

hold that space of like I see you're upset, I acknowledge what

Nicole Lohse: 00:06:49

you're experiencing, if we can hold our own sense of space and

Nicole Lohse: 00:06:55

our own sense of presence with what is for this little kid, we

Nicole Lohse: 00:07:00

are holding a coherent field, a field of safety and connection.

Nicole Lohse: 00:07:05

We are in our own regulation, and we're inviting them to move

Nicole Lohse: 00:07:11

through whatever they're experiencing back into

Nicole Lohse: 00:07:14

realizing, like, yeah, actually, this is what I'm missing. This

Nicole Lohse: 00:07:17

is why I'm upset. Of course, depending on the age. They can't

Nicole Lohse: 00:07:21

necessarily vocalize what they actually need in that moment,

Nicole Lohse: 00:07:24

but you're at least holding this resonant field for them to

Nicole Lohse: 00:07:27

attune, to to realize that it's safe. They can have their

Nicole Lohse: 00:07:31

experience. They can move through their experience. And

Nicole Lohse: 00:07:34

we're there for them. That's very different, and that's what

Nicole Lohse: 00:07:37

actually teaches them to through our CO regulation, they are

Nicole Lohse: 00:07:42

learning how to self regulate themselves. And this is, you

Nicole Lohse: 00:07:47

know, it actually makes me quite frustrated how these words, like

Nicole Lohse: 00:07:52

regulating the nervous system are being thrown around, because

Nicole Lohse: 00:07:54

I think we're missing a little education around that, because

Nicole Lohse: 00:07:58

people think like, oh, to regulate my nervous system, I

Nicole Lohse: 00:08:01

just need to settle and what actually needs to happen is we

Nicole Lohse: 00:08:05

actually need to create space for what it is we're

Nicole Lohse: 00:08:08

experiencing, to move through it and realize we're okay. And

Nicole Lohse: 00:08:13

again, depending on our upbringing, our developmental

Nicole Lohse: 00:08:16

trauma, there's lots that can impact our ability to do that.

Nicole Lohse: 00:08:19

But regulating your nervous system isn't just about calming

Nicole Lohse: 00:08:22

yourself down a regulating, ready? Regulating your nervous

Nicole Lohse: 00:08:25

system is moving through what you're experiencing and realize

Nicole Lohse: 00:08:28

you're okay. You belong. You know, we're here for you,

Kate Harlow: 00:08:33

yeah, and even the example you just gave that that

Kate Harlow: 00:08:37

that like that little kids naturally knows how to do that,

Kate Harlow: 00:08:41

right? Because that's what they're doing totally and we we

Kate Harlow: 00:08:44

only don't know how to do that because when we were little, we,

Kate Harlow: 00:08:47

like all those examples you gave, we were shut down from our

Kate Harlow: 00:08:50

feeling, our feelings fully, and actually, from and having

Kate Harlow: 00:08:54

someone be able to just hold the space and witness it and be with

Kate Harlow: 00:08:58

it and allow it to be okay. So that's

Nicole Lohse: 00:09:00

holding a presence, right? Exactly. We're

Nicole Lohse: 00:09:03

in our own dysregulation and in our own chaos, then there's

Nicole Lohse: 00:09:07

nothing to attune to. But when we can hold that presence and

Nicole Lohse: 00:09:11

that, yes, I got you, I see you, it's such a different

Nicole Lohse: 00:09:14

experience.

Kate Harlow: 00:09:15

And that's what you know, I think of all the parents

Kate Harlow: 00:09:19

who have a hard time doing that and sending love to all the

Kate Harlow: 00:09:22

moms. I was looked after my niece without my brother for

Kate Harlow: 00:09:26

well, my parents were there, but, but I was the primary

Kate Harlow: 00:09:28

caregiver for five days. And she's a manifesting she's a

Kate Harlow: 00:09:32

manifesting generator. And a three year old, oh my, she has

Kate Harlow: 00:09:35

almost all her centers defined, and she has a Leo in the inside.

Kate Harlow: 00:09:38

She's like a Leo. Oh my, and a Leo rising Leo moon. I looked up

Kate Harlow: 00:09:43

her chart, and I'm like, Oh, I get you girl. Like, at the end

Kate Harlow: 00:09:46

of the week, it was such a special experience. But, man, I

Kate Harlow: 00:09:50

just want to shout out to all the moms out there, like, whoa.

Kate Harlow: 00:09:52

You. What you're doing is like, next level. It is next level

Kate Harlow: 00:09:56

human. Because, I mean, how many moms? It's pretty rare that. Mom

Kate Harlow: 00:10:00

goes into parenting with a really regulated or with a

Kate Harlow: 00:10:05

regulated system, with the awareness, with the ability to

Kate Harlow: 00:10:08

actually be with her own feelings, because that's what

Kate Harlow: 00:10:10

the mom needs to is, right? If you're holding the space for

Kate Harlow: 00:10:13

your kids, you also need to hold the space for yourself, and

Kate Harlow: 00:10:16

that's how you come in. What's the word you used? Co? Was it co

Kate Harlow: 00:10:20

regulation?

Nicole Lohse: 00:10:21

CO regulation? To co regulate? Yeah, we have to be

Nicole Lohse: 00:10:24

in have regular, a regulated nervous system. So let's define

Nicole Lohse: 00:10:27

regulated a regulated nervous system, because that can be

Nicole Lohse: 00:10:30

helpful to have a regulated nervous system means that you

Nicole Lohse: 00:10:36

have the ability to be flexible, you have stability, but you also

Nicole Lohse: 00:10:40

have flexibility to navigate whatever changes are happening

Nicole Lohse: 00:10:44

within your environment. So it doesn't mean that you're always

Nicole Lohse: 00:10:47

just calm and settled. And it's about being fluid, being

Nicole Lohse: 00:10:52

flexible, being able to adapt relative to the present moment.

Nicole Lohse: 00:10:56

So another way we can speak to it is the window of tolerance,

Nicole Lohse: 00:11:00

or your window of capacity. How much capacity do you have to

Nicole Lohse: 00:11:04

navigate the given moment? Do you move into dysregulation

Nicole Lohse: 00:11:07

pretty quickly? Then your window is pretty small. You're not

Nicole Lohse: 00:11:09

alone. Most of the world has a pretty damn small window, or

Nicole Lohse: 00:11:13

they live in the faux window

Kate Harlow: 00:11:15

where, well, the ones that live in America, we're

Kate Harlow: 00:11:17

more we're more chill over here. Yeah. Good point. Good point.

Nicole Lohse: 00:11:22

Um, yeah. Right. So the more capacity we have,

Nicole Lohse: 00:11:24

the bigger, bigger window we have, the bigger sign of nervous

Nicole Lohse: 00:11:27

system regulation that that's what that indicates, yeah.

Kate Harlow: 00:11:33

So you keep saying Calm down, and it makes me every

Kate Harlow: 00:11:37

time you say it, I'm like, the reason so we do it to ourselves

Kate Harlow: 00:11:40

now, like, I just need to calm down and do meditation. But

Kate Harlow: 00:11:43

like, well, how many times as a kid did you get here, hit, did

Kate Harlow: 00:11:45

you hear the term, the term phrase, calm down, calm down,

Kate Harlow: 00:11:49

just calm down, just calm down, just calm down. Just got and

Kate Harlow: 00:11:52

then, like, our

Kate Harlow: 00:11:53

spouses say neither of us have spouses, but people spouses say

Kate Harlow: 00:11:58

it, you know, because

Nicole Lohse: 00:11:59

why we don't have spouses? Because if someone told

Nicole Lohse: 00:12:01

us to calm down exactly, you

Kate Harlow: 00:12:03

know, I have five Taurus planets. Get out of my

Kate Harlow: 00:12:07

way. Don't tell me what to do. But, but calm down. You hear it

Kate Harlow: 00:12:12

everywhere, right? And then, and then everything is about, like,

Kate Harlow: 00:12:16

oh, you feel bad. Just like, breathe deeper. Calm down. Like,

Kate Harlow: 00:12:21

do it. Like, I used to do that to myself, where I'd be in bed,

Kate Harlow: 00:12:24

spinning my wheels with anxiety, and I try and do, like, a

Kate Harlow: 00:12:26

hypnotherapy thing, and I would, like, get worse, yeah, and I

Kate Harlow: 00:12:30

didn't understand it. And actually, the game changer tool

Kate Harlow: 00:12:33

for me, that I that I teach a lot of women, or I do with women

Kate Harlow: 00:12:38

at the immersion or share it with my clients, is, do you

Kate Harlow: 00:12:40

know? Michaela Boehm, no nonlinear movement. Okay, it's a

Kate Harlow: 00:12:46

I studied for a year, or not a year. I did her level one

Kate Harlow: 00:12:50

training nonlinear movement. You would love it. It's I'll send

Kate Harlow: 00:12:53

her, I'll send you her stuff after but nonlinear movement is

Kate Harlow: 00:12:58

based on somatic experiencing, and you get on your hands and

Kate Harlow: 00:13:02

knees. That's where you start. With your eyes closed, and you

Kate Harlow: 00:13:05

put on non linear movement music which is non lyrical, like no

Kate Harlow: 00:13:09

words, just music to to facilitate the journey. You

Kate Harlow: 00:13:12

close your eyes and you just notice what you feel, and then

Kate Harlow: 00:13:16

you move as that feeling. And then you and then you let your

Kate Harlow: 00:13:20

body do the rest, and she does guided ones. But it's really,

Kate Harlow: 00:13:23

really powerful, because it the feelings, of course, change, but

Kate Harlow: 00:13:27

you're not doing it to change the feelings. You're doing it to

Kate Harlow: 00:13:30

actually, and sometimes, like, I'll, I'll be feeling one

Kate Harlow: 00:13:33

feeling, and then all of a sudden I'm screaming, and then

Kate Harlow: 00:13:35

I'm crying, and then I or, like, sometimes I'm not, it's more

Kate Harlow: 00:13:38

like joyful or pleasurable, but it's, it's like letting it work

Kate Harlow: 00:13:43

itself out, rather than your mind trying to do it.

Nicole Lohse: 00:13:46

Yeah, it's more bottom up versus top down. So

Nicole Lohse: 00:13:48

top down has that that agenda, whether it's calm down or change

Nicole Lohse: 00:13:53

the experience, or, I'm sure we'll dive deeper into all the

Nicole Lohse: 00:13:58

ways we can top down, our way out of things, versus bottom up,

Nicole Lohse: 00:14:02

is learning to listen to what's happening on the inside or

Nicole Lohse: 00:14:05

what's happening in the experience, and how do we follow

Nicole Lohse: 00:14:08

that? So there's, there's, again, acknowledging what is and

Nicole Lohse: 00:14:15

letting it take shape, and however it wants to take shape,

Nicole Lohse: 00:14:19

is what you're describing. And I do want to name for some people

Nicole Lohse: 00:14:23

that can be really hard. So you know, for some people, they

Nicole Lohse: 00:14:26

might not at all like non linear movement or even being asked the

Nicole Lohse: 00:14:32

question like, What are you noticing on the inside? Are What

Kate Harlow: 00:14:35

are you feeling? Yeah,

Nicole Lohse: 00:14:38

because listening is too scary, is too much. So

Nicole Lohse: 00:14:43

just acknowledging that, as well as if you grew up in a childhood

Nicole Lohse: 00:14:49

home, or through your childhood, grew up in a way where you

Nicole Lohse: 00:14:52

weren't supported to listen right? You weren't supported in

Nicole Lohse: 00:14:55

your yeses and nos and in your curiosities and finding your own

Nicole Lohse: 00:14:59

edges. Is of what's okay and not okay for you, if you were always

Nicole Lohse: 00:15:03

told how you had to be, what was okay not okay, you didn't get to

Nicole Lohse: 00:15:09

listen to yourself. You had the external world telling you what

Nicole Lohse: 00:15:13

you needed to be or and you probably still seek the external

Nicole Lohse: 00:15:18

validation and are needing the guidance, because you never got

Nicole Lohse: 00:15:23

taught or supported to guide yourself into your own

Nicole Lohse: 00:15:27

discovery, right? So I just want to name that, because I know a

Nicole Lohse: 00:15:31

lot of people have a hard time going inward or knowing how to

Nicole Lohse: 00:15:35

listen or being with and acknowledging what they're

Nicole Lohse: 00:15:39

experiencing. And it's like this, the starting point is just

Nicole Lohse: 00:15:43

acknowledge you don't know. And it makes sense that you don't

Nicole Lohse: 00:15:46

know because you grew up in a way where it wasn't you weren't

Nicole Lohse: 00:15:50

in an environment where it was supported. You had to ship shape

Nicole Lohse: 00:15:54

shift, or you had to be something that you were expected

Nicole Lohse: 00:15:58

to be, because your life depended on it.

Kate Harlow: 00:16:02

Yes, yeah, absolutely. Thank you for that.

Kate Harlow: 00:16:04

So what? So what would you suggest for people like that,

Kate Harlow: 00:16:07

where it's they try, you know, different tools to actually feel

Kate Harlow: 00:16:13

whatever's there but they can't access it. What? What do you

Kate Harlow: 00:16:17

what would you suggest?

Nicole Lohse: 00:16:18

I'm a big fan of the practice of acknowledgement,

Nicole Lohse: 00:16:21

so pausing and noticing what we're experiencing and

Nicole Lohse: 00:16:23

acknowledging like this is what it is. So when someone asks me

Nicole Lohse: 00:16:27

to go inward, I feel nothing. Great. I'm acknowledging I feel

Nicole Lohse: 00:16:30

nothing. It's really hard for me to go inward. When someone asks

Nicole Lohse: 00:16:36

me what I want for dinner, and I don't know I can acknowledge

Nicole Lohse: 00:16:40

that, yeah, I have a hard time making decisions, but I also

Nicole Lohse: 00:16:43

don't know, because I've never had the opportunity to really

Nicole Lohse: 00:16:47

listen and discover what I want. Like, just the acknowledgement,

Nicole Lohse: 00:16:52

to me is one of the richest practices. Like, yeah, I need

Nicole Lohse: 00:16:57

external validation. Great. There's a reason why. Right?

Nicole Lohse: 00:17:01

Okay, perfect. Can I then, through that acknowledgement,

Nicole Lohse: 00:17:05

start to get curious on what happens when I inquire inward?

Nicole Lohse: 00:17:09

It's probably really scary, and that's why you're kept out of

Nicole Lohse: 00:17:13

your experience, because it's so unknown, unfamiliar, and in the

Nicole Lohse: 00:17:18

past, there would have been consequences if you were just

Nicole Lohse: 00:17:21

yourself, right? So it's starting to hold these different

Nicole Lohse: 00:17:24

layers that are at play, the trauma and the survival pattern.

Nicole Lohse: 00:17:29

The trauma being, you know, it wasn't okay to be yourself,

Nicole Lohse: 00:17:32

because something, anything could have happened, whether a

Nicole Lohse: 00:17:36

raised voice ignored abuse, you know, the list can go on shame

Nicole Lohse: 00:17:43

Exactly. So it's kind of like that's the trauma, and we can

Nicole Lohse: 00:17:46

speak a little bit more to what trauma actually is in a moment,

Nicole Lohse: 00:17:48

but it's like, there's the trauma, but then we have the

Nicole Lohse: 00:17:51

survival patterns we've developed as a result of our

Nicole Lohse: 00:17:56

trauma. Because we don't want to feel that pain, we don't want to

Nicole Lohse: 00:17:59

feel the shame, we don't want to feel the terror, whatever is at

Nicole Lohse: 00:18:03

the core of that, right? And those brilliant survival

Nicole Lohse: 00:18:06

patterns are like, Oh, I'm going to shape shift. I'm going to

Nicole Lohse: 00:18:09

people please. I'm going to stay small, I'm going to be overly

Nicole Lohse: 00:18:14

confident, you know, and be really good at all the sports

Nicole Lohse: 00:18:18

and and activities that I do, and we can have endless survival

Nicole Lohse: 00:18:23

patterns, and you have some great archetypes that you speak

Nicole Lohse: 00:18:26

to is in ways to categorize survival patterns, right? And

Nicole Lohse: 00:18:30

it's like, okay, there's a reason why we did that. We're

Nicole Lohse: 00:18:34

doing these survival patterns. We're existing in the world, and

Nicole Lohse: 00:18:37

these survival patterns to help us not feel our trauma,

Nicole Lohse: 00:18:42

something that was too much, or something that was missing, or

Nicole Lohse: 00:18:45

there's so many layers to again, what trauma is, yeah, then

Nicole Lohse: 00:18:51

there's, there's more. I'll just map out everything, yeah, yeah,

Nicole Lohse: 00:18:54

yeah. Go the way I like to see it,

Kate Harlow: 00:18:56

right? I love how you I just want to acknowledge

Kate Harlow: 00:18:59

you. I love how you articulate everything, you're just such a

Kate Harlow: 00:19:01

it's so clear. It feels Yeah, it's amazing. Anyways, carry on.

Nicole Lohse: 00:19:08

So how I see the world or ourself and our

Nicole Lohse: 00:19:11

patterns is Yeah, at the core, we've got our trauma, then we

Nicole Lohse: 00:19:14

have these survival patterns that were needed. We had to

Nicole Lohse: 00:19:17

adapt, yeah. Do not feel the pain, the shame, the terror,

Nicole Lohse: 00:19:22

then we have how we feel towards our survival patterns, and this

Nicole Lohse: 00:19:26

is where I find we get so stuck, and this is how we get in our

Nicole Lohse: 00:19:30

way, right? So me, for example, I am still navigating layers of

Nicole Lohse: 00:19:36

being seen, and I am frustrated with it. I am over it. I just

Nicole Lohse: 00:19:41

want it to be different. It's like, what do I need to do to

Nicole Lohse: 00:19:45

fix this pattern of mine that's rooted in being seen right? And

Nicole Lohse: 00:19:51

this is where I really invite you all to notice, like in this

Nicole Lohse: 00:19:55

present day, how do you feel about these survival patterns

Nicole Lohse: 00:19:59

that have. Played a really important role in your life,

Nicole Lohse: 00:20:03

because that's a really huge nugget to pay attention to. So

Nicole Lohse: 00:20:08

if I take my being seen piece, for example, my fear of being

Nicole Lohse: 00:20:12

seen, you know, I can feel I can inquire into it. I feel myself

Nicole Lohse: 00:20:17

get smaller. I feel my eyes darting around a little bit more

Nicole Lohse: 00:20:20

and paying attention to what happens in my physiology,

Nicole Lohse: 00:20:23

because it's easy for me, but some of you might not

Nicole Lohse: 00:20:25

necessarily notice what's happening in your body and your

Nicole Lohse: 00:20:27

physiology, but you know what it feels like to be small, like,

Nicole Lohse: 00:20:30

you know what it feels like to be still, to hide, right? So

Nicole Lohse: 00:20:36

it's like, okay, yeah, you can relate to this pattern. That's

Nicole Lohse: 00:20:38

really important. It serves purpose, and then I've have my

Nicole Lohse: 00:20:42

frustration towards it, and I like to differentiate it as the

Nicole Lohse: 00:20:46

pattern is usually stuck in time. It's a fragmented piece of

Nicole Lohse: 00:20:49

me that's looping in this experience that's relative to my

Nicole Lohse: 00:20:54

trauma. And it's, you know, it's not the here and now version of

Nicole Lohse: 00:20:57

me, it's a fragmented piece of me. But then I have the present

Nicole Lohse: 00:21:02

me who is frustrated and annoyed and just wants it to be

Nicole Lohse: 00:21:06

different, and I'm signing up for all these courses. I'm not

Nicole Lohse: 00:21:09

because now I'm a bit stubborn with who I work with, but you're

Nicole Lohse: 00:21:13

a hermit, kind of a hermit, but you know, I'm looking for all

Nicole Lohse: 00:21:19

the answers. I'm I'm booking this session. I'm booking that

Nicole Lohse: 00:21:21

session. I just want to work with this piece, but I'm in

Nicole Lohse: 00:21:24

conflict with the survival pattern that's like, No, I have

Nicole Lohse: 00:21:28

to stay small. I can't be seen, or else I'm going to die. And I

Nicole Lohse: 00:21:33

know, because of the layers of work I've done with this piece,

Nicole Lohse: 00:21:36

it is intergenerational. It goes back generations, and it's

Nicole Lohse: 00:21:40

understandable that previous generations had to conform, had

Nicole Lohse: 00:21:44

to stay silent, couldn't be seen, because they'd be

Nicole Lohse: 00:21:48

outcasted, they'd be shunned, they'd be ostracized, they'd be

Nicole Lohse: 00:21:52

killed, right? So when I can hold the awareness of my

Nicole Lohse: 00:21:56

intergenerational thread here, it instantly gives me a bit more

Nicole Lohse: 00:21:59

space and understanding. And then I have a little more

Nicole Lohse: 00:22:04

compassion for the ways I need to stay small and I'm separate

Nicole Lohse: 00:22:09

from it now, and I see it as a fragmentation, whereas when I am

Nicole Lohse: 00:22:13

in the conflict or in the frustration, I'm just butting

Nicole Lohse: 00:22:17

heads with the thing that feels like it has to do that right?

Nicole Lohse: 00:22:21

I'm not going to get anywhere. If I'm continuously trying to

Nicole Lohse: 00:22:25

find the answer, if I'm continuously trying to fix this

Nicole Lohse: 00:22:28

part, if I'm continuously signing up for a million courses

Nicole Lohse: 00:22:32

and reading all the books and listening to all the podcasts,

Nicole Lohse: 00:22:35

it's like no what actually needs to happen is I have to see the

Nicole Lohse: 00:22:38

different layers that are at play, my trauma,

Nicole Lohse: 00:22:41

intergenerational past life, whatever the trauma, the

Nicole Lohse: 00:22:44

survival pattern that has been adapted to help me not feel

Nicole Lohse: 00:22:47

that, the shame, the pain, the terror, how I feel towards the

Nicole Lohse: 00:22:51

pattern, because it's also understandable. I have

Nicole Lohse: 00:22:53

frustration, but I can pan out, and I can hold it with more

Nicole Lohse: 00:22:58

grace. I can hold it with with and I I'm I want to be clear. I

Nicole Lohse: 00:23:02

can hold it because I can see the layers, and I understand the

Nicole Lohse: 00:23:07

trauma. For some people, it's like I can see the layers, but I

Nicole Lohse: 00:23:11

still have an agenda. I still want it to be different. And

Nicole Lohse: 00:23:14

that's it's really hard to find grace from that place, yes, so

Nicole Lohse: 00:23:18

it takes,

Kate Harlow: 00:23:19

it's also really hard for the shift to occur from

Kate Harlow: 00:23:21

that place, like the transformation to occur if

Kate Harlow: 00:23:24

you're attached to the result,

Nicole Lohse: 00:23:25

yes, exactly. So the practice here is starting to

Nicole Lohse: 00:23:29

untangle and see the layers at play, because then we can pan

Nicole Lohse: 00:23:34

out and hold it from more of a sense of self, place of

Nicole Lohse: 00:23:38

wholeness, a place of coherence, where we get to be the empathic

Nicole Lohse: 00:23:43

witness for these layers that are at play, just like the kid

Nicole Lohse: 00:23:47

that you know is having a meltdown with his ice cream, a

Nicole Lohse: 00:23:51

temper tantrum, it's lacking the kids lacking the empathic

Nicole Lohse: 00:23:55

witness. So how do we become the empathic witness for our

Nicole Lohse: 00:23:59

fragmented pieces so we can have more grace and understanding for

Nicole Lohse: 00:24:03

all the different ways we show up in the world, and we start to

Nicole Lohse: 00:24:07

live more from this place of grace and compassion and ease,

Nicole Lohse: 00:24:12

instead of the chaos and constantly trying to fix. And

Nicole Lohse: 00:24:15

you know, I'm doing that again, giving yourself hard time. It

Nicole Lohse: 00:24:18

makes sense you do that, and can you pan out and acknowledge that

Nicole Lohse: 00:24:22

you're doing that?

Kate Harlow: 00:24:23

Yeah, I love that. I love your language, the

Kate Harlow: 00:24:26

empathic witness. I forgot that terminology I I took a year

Kate Harlow: 00:24:33

program with Nicole. It was so incredible. And we were really

Kate Harlow: 00:24:36

just being the empathic witnesses for ourselves and each

Kate Harlow: 00:24:39

other. It was such an incredible container. And I love that, even

Kate Harlow: 00:24:44

even the whole map in the picture, because it it for

Kate Harlow: 00:24:50

everyone listening who's just stuck in the pattern side, and

Kate Harlow: 00:24:54

in the trauma and in the the judge, and then the feelings

Kate Harlow: 00:24:57

about the thing, and just. Stuck. It's like a foop fucking

Kate Harlow: 00:25:01

loop where you just, like, stuck. I didn't invent it, but I

Kate Harlow: 00:25:07

love it too. Fucking loop, foop. I always say foop. And people

Kate Harlow: 00:25:11

like, what's a foop? But you're like, stuck in that foop and,

Kate Harlow: 00:25:17

and isn't it nice? Because even just by us having this

Kate Harlow: 00:25:20

conversation. It's a moment of panning out and realizing, Oh,

Kate Harlow: 00:25:22

there's another part of you and that that's there. I call it

Kate Harlow: 00:25:25

your hair when you call it The Empathic witness, like that part

Kate Harlow: 00:25:28

has always been there and it never left, and it's just

Kate Harlow: 00:25:31

waiting for you exactly,

Nicole Lohse: 00:25:33

yeah. So let's, let's even map one out. Let's,

Nicole Lohse: 00:25:36

are you open to mapping one of yours out? Kate, and that way

Nicole Lohse: 00:25:39

other people can kind of practice mapping, mapping, yeah.

Nicole Lohse: 00:25:43

So what's one of your patterns that you're working with?

Kate Harlow: 00:25:46

Oh, oh, gosh. What am I working with?

Nicole Lohse: 00:25:53

Or anything you're wanting to be different,

Nicole Lohse: 00:25:56

frustrated with? Maybe you're not

Kate Harlow: 00:25:59

the big, I'd say the biggest thing I'm noticing,

Kate Harlow: 00:26:02

or I'm experiencing right now is the all the stuff that keeps

Kate Harlow: 00:26:08

coming up about going to Kenya, even though, and I keep saying

Kate Harlow: 00:26:10

I'm moving to Kenya, I'm going for six months. I don't know how

Kate Harlow: 00:26:14

long I'm staying. It's totally open. It's an experience. I

Kate Harlow: 00:26:16

spent four and a half months there last year, but it's

Kate Harlow: 00:26:18

actually happened every time I've gone where my mind is like,

Kate Harlow: 00:26:22

what are you doing? So right now I've got my apartment, and my

Kate Harlow: 00:26:25

mind is like, set like, you should need to stay here. Like,

Kate Harlow: 00:26:28

this is so good. Grease has been so good for you. You've changed

Kate Harlow: 00:26:31

so much. Like, as if, like, goodbye, Grace forever. I'm

Kate Harlow: 00:26:33

never gonna see you again. Like it, yeah. And so that's, that's

Kate Harlow: 00:26:37

the thing that I'm working with the most right now,

Nicole Lohse: 00:26:39

perfect, great. So we can call that a survival

Nicole Lohse: 00:26:42

pattern. There's a part of you that's trying to hold on to, I'm

Nicole Lohse: 00:26:46

hearing security, familiarity, maybe, right? So there, it's

Nicole Lohse: 00:26:53

really set on, like, keeping you there. It wants to have you. You

Nicole Lohse: 00:26:59

know? Why would you change? Things are good here. You're

Nicole Lohse: 00:27:01

part of the community. Everyone loves you, and you love them

Nicole Lohse: 00:27:06

back. There's just such a beautiful exchange there. And

Nicole Lohse: 00:27:08

this kind of, also sense of, potentially it ending like this,

Nicole Lohse: 00:27:13

is it with you leaving right? There's some sort of experience

Nicole Lohse: 00:27:15

within that. So we'll call that your survival pattern and and

Nicole Lohse: 00:27:20

I'll invite those listening like the way I like to map it out is

Nicole Lohse: 00:27:23

with circles. So if you're listening, you could even just

Nicole Lohse: 00:27:26

draw on a piece of paper a little circle at the core, which

Nicole Lohse: 00:27:29

represents the trauma. We don't know what Kate's is yet, and

Nicole Lohse: 00:27:32

then we have the circle around it, which is the survival

Nicole Lohse: 00:27:35

pattern. So in Kate's situation here that we're talking about,

Nicole Lohse: 00:27:39

if there's some sort of part that wants to hold on to

Nicole Lohse: 00:27:42

security, the familiar, so a part that a survival pattern

Nicole Lohse: 00:27:47

that loves the familiar and security

Kate Harlow: 00:27:50

and my soul does not so

Nicole Lohse: 00:27:54

experiences there

Kate Harlow: 00:27:58

unscripted woman does not

Nicole Lohse: 00:28:01

get me out of here. Yes, kind of fun that you

Nicole Lohse: 00:28:03

have this part. I don't know if I've ever seen this part of you.

Nicole Lohse: 00:28:06

Yeah. So for me, just for those you know that might not relate

Nicole Lohse: 00:28:11

to Kate's, maybe you relate to staying small or a fear of being

Nicole Lohse: 00:28:15

seen. Well, the fear is being seen, but the survival pattern

Nicole Lohse: 00:28:19

would be staying small, hiding. You can put any survival pattern

Nicole Lohse: 00:28:24

there, right? Or a survival strategy, whatever words you

Nicole Lohse: 00:28:28

want to use. So then draw a third circle. So first is a

Nicole Lohse: 00:28:33

trauma. Second is the survival pattern. The third circle is how

Nicole Lohse: 00:28:36

you feel towards your pattern. So, Kate, how do you feel

Nicole Lohse: 00:28:39

towards we've already heard about, the soul piece. Soul

Nicole Lohse: 00:28:42

piece is like, No way, let me be free. So that's how you feel.

Nicole Lohse: 00:28:47

One part of you feels that way,

Kate Harlow: 00:28:49

how I feel towards it. I mean, I'm more surprised

Kate Harlow: 00:28:53

than anything, I think, because, because the other part of me is

Kate Harlow: 00:28:57

so, so solid and clear that every time I follow my heart and

Kate Harlow: 00:29:01

my body, and it's a yes that like there's so much growth and

Kate Harlow: 00:29:05

magic on the other side of that and like that. So I'm so solid

Kate Harlow: 00:29:11

in that. So I think I feel more than anything. I don't feel

Kate Harlow: 00:29:14

judgmental towards it, and I navigated. I not I don't listen

Kate Harlow: 00:29:19

to it. I work, I work. I have lots of practices that I work

Kate Harlow: 00:29:22

with it and let it out and let it speak and but it's more just

Kate Harlow: 00:29:28

surprising, and it's like, you know, it's, it's sort of like

Kate Harlow: 00:29:33

it's been for a few months, but it's kind of maybe once a week

Kate Harlow: 00:29:36

where I'll wake up in the night and be like, What if you get

Kate Harlow: 00:29:39

murdered? What if you like, would it like you or like you

Kate Harlow: 00:29:44

can't just walk down the street like it's just like all you

Kate Harlow: 00:29:47

know, what if irrational? Yeah, yeah,

Nicole Lohse: 00:29:50

yeah, yeah. Would you say that you have certain

Nicole Lohse: 00:29:53

practices that try to change it in any way, like settle it down

Nicole Lohse: 00:29:59

south? Soothe it, anything like that,

Kate Harlow: 00:30:01

I'd say maybe in the middle of the night. Yeah? I

Kate Harlow: 00:30:04

do. I do, like, talk to it like it's a child and like, just love

Kate Harlow: 00:30:08

it and soothe it in the middle of the night, just because that

Kate Harlow: 00:30:11

helps me. Not, I don't want to, like, amplify it, but then

Kate Harlow: 00:30:14

usually in the day, I'll just, like, go, let it go. And I

Kate Harlow: 00:30:17

usually through writing or movement, just let my, let

Kate Harlow: 00:30:20

myself, like, fully go into the feeling.

Nicole Lohse: 00:30:22

Yeah, great, perfect. So you know, for those

Nicole Lohse: 00:30:26

listening, you might have more experiences towards your

Nicole Lohse: 00:30:29

patterns that are more about agenda based. Like I it's

Nicole Lohse: 00:30:33

amazing what can have an agenda like, even the compassion. I

Nicole Lohse: 00:30:37

mean, in the middle of the night, it's understandable,

Nicole Lohse: 00:30:39

because you want to get back to sleep. But compassion can be a

Nicole Lohse: 00:30:42

tricky one, because I can have compassion for these patterns I

Nicole Lohse: 00:30:45

have, but I still have this flavor of wanting it to be

Nicole Lohse: 00:30:49

different,

Kate Harlow: 00:30:50

calming it down. Like, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, so

Kate Harlow: 00:30:53

do

Nicole Lohse: 00:30:53

to really notice the ways that you feel towards

Nicole Lohse: 00:30:57

your patterns that have some sort of agenda, want it to be

Nicole Lohse: 00:30:59

different or trying to fix it, you know, like, yeah, kind of

Nicole Lohse: 00:31:03

like being sneaky with it even. I mean, this is my own way of

Nicole Lohse: 00:31:07

practicing. It's not that it's right or wrong, but even

Nicole Lohse: 00:31:10

parenting parts, I find we've got an agenda there, you know,

Nicole Lohse: 00:31:14

like, Yeah, and again, there's lots of incredible modalities

Nicole Lohse: 00:31:17

that parent parts that definitely have massive impact.

Nicole Lohse: 00:31:20

So I'm not saying that it's a right or a wrong there. That's

Nicole Lohse: 00:31:23

more agenda based, versus really getting to know why that part

Nicole Lohse: 00:31:27

exists,

Kate Harlow: 00:31:28

unless you're the parent that you described at the

Kate Harlow: 00:31:30

beginning of the episode that just sits with

Nicole Lohse: 00:31:32

Yeah. Well, the agenda is presence, I guess,

Nicole Lohse: 00:31:35

yeah, yeah, yeah. It's really holding space for what is which?

Nicole Lohse: 00:31:39

Yeah, empathic witness and, yeah,

Kate Harlow: 00:31:42

I can think of the old pattern that I can think of

Kate Harlow: 00:31:46

that was the strongest that I dealt with for so many years

Kate Harlow: 00:31:49

that I know a lot of women deal with, is was jealousy. I had it

Kate Harlow: 00:31:52

in my, like, 20s and early 30s, so severely. Like, I mean, it

Kate Harlow: 00:31:58

was really intense and, and I remember, like, spending 1000s

Kate Harlow: 00:32:04

of dollars going to like, workshop after workshop after

Kate Harlow: 00:32:07

coach after healer, after hypnotherapist after like, can I

Kate Harlow: 00:32:09

delete this part of my brain? Like it was just like I had so

Kate Harlow: 00:32:12

much shame and so much and I was so hard on myself about it, and

Kate Harlow: 00:32:17

I tried so hard to get rid of it, or to fix it, or to to set

Kate Harlow: 00:32:22

my actually might be an even better example, because it was

Kate Harlow: 00:32:25

like it was I, I judged it, I shamed it, I I just felt so many

Kate Harlow: 00:32:31

her I was embarrassed of it. I wanted to hide it, but it like

Kate Harlow: 00:32:34

when it was when jealousy would rear her head. I was like,

Kate Harlow: 00:32:38

literally nothing could stop. Like one time I kicked a door

Kate Harlow: 00:32:41

and was like, yeah. Another story like

Nicole Lohse: 00:32:44

the jealousy pieces, yeah. I'm sure we can

Nicole Lohse: 00:32:46

all Yeah. So again, if people can relate to that, map it out,

Nicole Lohse: 00:32:53

right? The jealousy is some sort of survival pattern, and then

Nicole Lohse: 00:32:55

you have how you feel towards it, the embarrassment, the

Nicole Lohse: 00:32:58

shame, the wanting it to be different, trying all the

Nicole Lohse: 00:33:01

things, throwing all the money and trying to fix it, right?

Nicole Lohse: 00:33:04

Yeah. So, so far, we've got three circles, the trauma, the

Nicole Lohse: 00:33:09

survival pattern, and how we feel towards it, and, and again,

Nicole Lohse: 00:33:13

what we're doing here is we're pausing and noticing the layers

Nicole Lohse: 00:33:16

that are at play and, and this is where, you know, yes, I'm a

Nicole Lohse: 00:33:21

somatic experiencing practitioner, and I'm, my

Nicole Lohse: 00:33:23

background is in Feldenkrais and yoga, and I'm very body based,

Nicole Lohse: 00:33:27

but I find we can actually step away from, like, what are you

Nicole Lohse: 00:33:31

noticing in that, or what are you experiencing in that, and

Nicole Lohse: 00:33:34

instead, just like, have some fun with it and see these

Nicole Lohse: 00:33:36

different layers that are at play. We don't have to always go

Nicole Lohse: 00:33:40

into the depths of it. If I'm working towards healing the

Nicole Lohse: 00:33:42

trauma, then, yeah, we have to go a little more inward to ride

Nicole Lohse: 00:33:46

the waves of whatever we're trying to avoid feeling or

Nicole Lohse: 00:33:49

protecting ourselves from feeling, but to also, like, have

Nicole Lohse: 00:33:52

fun and map out our experiences and understand ourselves a

Nicole Lohse: 00:33:55

little bit more, right? And that's where the fourth circle

Nicole Lohse: 00:33:58

comes into play. The circle around the other three is when

Nicole Lohse: 00:34:02

we can pan out and hold awareness of the judgments, the

Nicole Lohse: 00:34:06

frustrations, the even the curiosities, but still wanting

Nicole Lohse: 00:34:11

to fix it or the compassion, but have an agenda to make our

Nicole Lohse: 00:34:14

patterns be different, these patterns that have been there

Nicole Lohse: 00:34:17

for a really long time, that are ultimately just a fragmented

Nicole Lohse: 00:34:20

part of us as a result of some trauma. So from that panned out

Nicole Lohse: 00:34:25

circle, that's where we can we're going to come back to this

Nicole Lohse: 00:34:30

in a sec, but that's where we can have more space and grace

Nicole Lohse: 00:34:33

around our experience. For those of you that have a hard time

Nicole Lohse: 00:34:38

recognizing that you're already whole, and you have these

Nicole Lohse: 00:34:41

fragmented pieces being able to pan out outside of the judgment,

Nicole Lohse: 00:34:46

the frustrations, the trying to fix. It's really hard, and we're

Nicole Lohse: 00:34:53

going to go inward first to see if that can help you understand

Nicole Lohse: 00:34:56

more of what it feels like to be whole, because it is felt.

Nicole Lohse: 00:35:00

Experience. It's very much like, Oh, there I am in that. And if,

Nicole Lohse: 00:35:05

if by the end of this podcast, you experience that awesome, but

Nicole Lohse: 00:35:07

if you don't, and you just like, well, I know I'm whole, I kind

Nicole Lohse: 00:35:11

of congrats the concept, but I don't have a felt experience of

Nicole Lohse: 00:35:13

it. No, you're not alone. But what I would invite you to

Nicole Lohse: 00:35:16

really

Kate Harlow: 00:35:16

notice, I do want to sing Michael Jackson right

Kate Harlow: 00:35:18

now. What is it really bad you are not alone.

Kate Harlow: 00:35:24

So I just channeled MJ. I love it. Love it. My voice is a

Kate Harlow: 00:35:28

little under the weather, so it didn't sound as good as him.

Nicole Lohse: 00:35:32

You need your offer lessons again. Okay, carry

Nicole Lohse: 00:35:38

on. Sorry for interrupting. So let's so to at least hold

Nicole Lohse: 00:35:41

awareness of the layers can be helpful, because we start to see

Nicole Lohse: 00:35:45

more of what's at play, right? So let's go inward again with

Nicole Lohse: 00:35:50

your little piece, Kate, we can, we can pendulate in between the

Nicole Lohse: 00:35:54

jealousy, or shift in between the jealousy and this other

Nicole Lohse: 00:35:56

piece. But let's, let's see what this part of you that wants

Nicole Lohse: 00:36:02

stability, wants familiar, what it's afraid will happen if it's

Nicole Lohse: 00:36:08

so there Kate just made a barfing and barfing earlier, so

Nicole Lohse: 00:36:15

that barfing is how you feel towards it. Oh,

Kate Harlow: 00:36:22

isn't that interesting?

Nicole Lohse: 00:36:23

Cool, right? There something that is annoying

Kate Harlow: 00:36:26

part of me that loves the freedom and loves the

Kate Harlow: 00:36:29

unscriptedness and loves the not knowing what's coming and where

Kate Harlow: 00:36:32

I'm going, in

Kate Harlow: 00:36:33

conflict judges this piece and like is making fun of it. Yeah,

Kate Harlow: 00:36:38

interesting,

Nicole Lohse: 00:36:39

right? They're definitely in conflict with each

Nicole Lohse: 00:36:42

other, yeah. So let's see if we can find out what that part of

Nicole Lohse: 00:36:47

you that wants stability is afraid will happen if you don't

Nicole Lohse: 00:36:50

have stability. So see, and this is what I do in my sessions and

Nicole Lohse: 00:36:55

guide people through in my programs. So it's we're just

Nicole Lohse: 00:36:58

going quick. This, the answers don't necessarily come right

Nicole Lohse: 00:37:02

away, for those of you listening and inquiring, but ultimately,

Nicole Lohse: 00:37:06

what we're doing is we're looking at the survival pattern,

Nicole Lohse: 00:37:08

and we're trying to understand what what its job is, what its

Nicole Lohse: 00:37:12

purpose is, what it's afraid will happen if it's not there.

Kate Harlow: 00:37:18

So first, do you want me to share? What just came

Kate Harlow: 00:37:21

up? What just came up actually is, is the fear, and I don't

Kate Harlow: 00:37:27

know if it's connected to stability, but when you ask the

Kate Harlow: 00:37:31

question, what came what I I could feel was this fear of

Kate Harlow: 00:37:37

fear, because I love Kenya so much, the fear of like, not like

Kate Harlow: 00:37:41

it, not not loving it. There's something the fear of it

Kate Harlow: 00:37:44

changing my view of Kenya, or something like that.

Nicole Lohse: 00:37:48

So it's like, the fear of the unknown, really,

Kate Harlow: 00:37:51

yeah, the fear of the unknown. And if I go there

Kate Harlow: 00:37:53

and I don't like it, like, what if it changes how I feel about

Kate Harlow: 00:37:57

it?

Nicole Lohse: 00:37:58

Yeah, yeah. So there's something that wants to

Nicole Lohse: 00:38:01

hold on to, the stability and the familiarity, yeah, fear of

Nicole Lohse: 00:38:05

the unknown, being not what you expected or

Kate Harlow: 00:38:08

what you want to be, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Nicole Lohse: 00:38:11

So for those of you listening, if you look at

Nicole Lohse: 00:38:13

your survival pattern, sometimes an answer will come quickly,

Nicole Lohse: 00:38:16

like Cates does, and it doesn't need to always make sense, but

Nicole Lohse: 00:38:19

you're starting to get inside information, inside information

Nicole Lohse: 00:38:23

about insider information, insider on why that part exists,

Nicole Lohse: 00:38:28

right? So. So when we're asking these questions from a place of

Nicole Lohse: 00:38:32

an agenda, wanting it to be different, trying to fix it, we

Nicole Lohse: 00:38:36

are less likely to get the information just naming that.

Nicole Lohse: 00:38:40

But sometimes something will come through and it's like, oh,

Nicole Lohse: 00:38:44

now I have a different understanding of it, and it's

Nicole Lohse: 00:38:47

easier for me to pan out and understand like, of course, that

Nicole Lohse: 00:38:50

pattern exists because it's afraid of the unknown, afraid of

Nicole Lohse: 00:38:55

my expectations not being what I expected, and for me to

Nicole Lohse: 00:39:00

potentially, I'm making an assumption here, we can dig a

Nicole Lohse: 00:39:03

little deeper, but for there to be disappointment, or for there

Nicole Lohse: 00:39:07

to be grief of losing something, or, you know, my guess is

Nicole Lohse: 00:39:13

there's some more layers there. So even as I'm naming that Kate,

Nicole Lohse: 00:39:17

see if you can again, we're acknowledging this part that

Nicole Lohse: 00:39:20

wants stability, wants familiarity, in fear of not the

Nicole Lohse: 00:39:24

unknown and not getting what you expect. And is there anything

Nicole Lohse: 00:39:28

else coming through around what might happen if that happens?

Kate Harlow: 00:39:35

Yeah, I guess the only thing is okay, then what do

Kate Harlow: 00:39:38

I come back here? It's just like, and yeah, the unknown, and

Kate Harlow: 00:39:41

then that doesn't happen. And I think also that a lot of it with

Kate Harlow: 00:39:44

Africa is primal, like, it's like, actual Primal Fear and

Kate Harlow: 00:39:47

like, also the collective stories, like, when I'm there,

Kate Harlow: 00:39:50

I'm not afraid at all, like, I feel so safe and I and I, it's a

Kate Harlow: 00:39:55

very different experience. But when I'm not there, this is when

Kate Harlow: 00:39:58

the fear it never it doesn't come. When I'm there, it comes

Kate Harlow: 00:40:01

up when I'm not there.

Nicole Lohse: 00:40:02

Can you feel there's something that it's

Nicole Lohse: 00:40:05

coming through for me that I'm curious about? Can you feel

Nicole Lohse: 00:40:07

anything about when something doesn't work out? Like, when

Nicole Lohse: 00:40:11

something doesn't work out, what shows up?

Kate Harlow: 00:40:14

Oh, like, what's meant to work out works out.

Kate Harlow: 00:40:16

Like it it gets better. It just, I might get redirected. But is

Kate Harlow: 00:40:20

that your mind saying that, or that part saying, I mean,

Kate Harlow: 00:40:22

that's, I feel that higher tell, but it feels like it just coming

Kate Harlow: 00:40:28

like from the ground up, whatever you said, bottom,

Nicole Lohse: 00:40:32

bottom up, yeah.

Kate Harlow: 00:40:35

Okay, so, yeah, it just feels like that,

Nicole Lohse: 00:40:37

yeah, yeah. So there's a knowing, it'll just

Nicole Lohse: 00:40:39

work out. There's no trust. Yeah, my guess is that's more

Nicole Lohse: 00:40:42

from higher self, from this more expanded space. Yeah, I want to

Nicole Lohse: 00:40:47

do a little more digging into the stability piece. Okay, okay,

Nicole Lohse: 00:40:51

so notice that part of me that is hesitant and wants to stay

Nicole Lohse: 00:40:56

and is kind of holding on to the familiar. Does it know that

Nicole Lohse: 00:41:02

experience, the trust in the flow and the unknown and the

Nicole Lohse: 00:41:08

that part? Yeah, no, no, yeah, exactly, yeah. So that's

Nicole Lohse: 00:41:12

important to differentiate, right? Yes, yeah, no, right. It

Nicole Lohse: 00:41:15

it's still stuck in this experience where, where the fear

Nicole Lohse: 00:41:20

exists of the unknown? Yes, okay, so see if you can. And I'm

Nicole Lohse: 00:41:25

trying not to do a full session here, because then we could do

Nicole Lohse: 00:41:28

more parts work, and we can really start to explore more,

Nicole Lohse: 00:41:31

but see if you can see that as a fragmented piece that's kind of

Nicole Lohse: 00:41:34

looping in some sort of fear, yeah, fear of the unknown, fear

Nicole Lohse: 00:41:38

of things not working out as expected. But I'm wondering if

Nicole Lohse: 00:41:42

there's anything else in this moment that wants to come

Nicole Lohse: 00:41:45

through, and I'm just doing this as a demonstration of like you

Nicole Lohse: 00:41:49

can see the difference, right? This fragmented piece is still

Nicole Lohse: 00:41:51

continuously going to be in conflict with you until we see

Nicole Lohse: 00:41:55

it in whatever the core piece,

Kate Harlow: 00:41:58

yes, yeah, whatever I think it's the other one.

Kate Harlow: 00:42:01

Yeah, yeah.

Nicole Lohse: 00:42:02

So you think, which makes me think that you're

Nicole Lohse: 00:42:05

saying it versus the part saying it, Okay, interesting. Can you

Nicole Lohse: 00:42:09

see the difference? Yeah, right. It's like we're trying to figure

Nicole Lohse: 00:42:13

it out and what we're working towards. And again, this isn't

Nicole Lohse: 00:42:17

easy, and if we were doing a session, I would drop in more,

Nicole Lohse: 00:42:19

but I also want to use it as an education to help people

Nicole Lohse: 00:42:23

differentiate, like the traumas in this part that's stuck in

Nicole Lohse: 00:42:27

time, that's fragmented, that fears the unknown, that that has

Nicole Lohse: 00:42:33

a story to share. And my guess is, honestly, that this feels

Nicole Lohse: 00:42:37

ancestral, like it's bigger than you. Yeah, yeah. So we can kind

Nicole Lohse: 00:42:42

of hold this piece for now with awareness that there's something

Nicole Lohse: 00:42:45

deeper to heal and transform, so that this fragmented piece no

Nicole Lohse: 00:42:50

longer lives and exists in this story that it believes, right?

Nicole Lohse: 00:42:55

Yeah, so we can do a session around that, and this is what I

Nicole Lohse: 00:42:58

work with with in my programs too is like really starting to

Nicole Lohse: 00:43:01

understand the trauma for today. What I want to invite people

Nicole Lohse: 00:43:05

into is to really see these different layers, the fragmented

Nicole Lohse: 00:43:09

piece that no matter what you try, it's not going to change

Nicole Lohse: 00:43:12

until you listen and support it bottom up to take shape and find

Nicole Lohse: 00:43:17

its way through whatever its fears are. And this is my

Nicole Lohse: 00:43:22

intuitive guess is, the more we pay attention to this piece of

Nicole Lohse: 00:43:26

yours, it feels like it's linked to something not working out.

Nicole Lohse: 00:43:30

And like, devastation, yeah, destruction because something

Nicole Lohse: 00:43:33

didn't work out. Yes. It's like, how do we let it tell the story

Nicole Lohse: 00:43:37

so that it can move through whatever it's looping in, right?

Nicole Lohse: 00:43:43

And we're doing that by by inquiring from this spacious

Nicole Lohse: 00:43:47

Space Place, instead of trying to figure it out, trying to

Nicole Lohse: 00:43:51

solve it, trying to Yeah,

Kate Harlow: 00:43:54

so someone's, if someone's following this, or for

Kate Harlow: 00:43:57

everyone following this, right now, and they were trying to let

Kate Harlow: 00:44:01

that part tell the story. How would you what? What would you

Kate Harlow: 00:44:04

suggest, like, that writing, or like, just Yeah, out loud, or

Kate Harlow: 00:44:10

mirror work, or what? How would you suggest they

Nicole Lohse: 00:44:13

Yeah, there's a number of different ways. So

Nicole Lohse: 00:44:15

first, obviously, sessions with you,

Kate Harlow: 00:44:19

we'll get to that.

Nicole Lohse: 00:44:21

The first piece would always be continue to

Nicole Lohse: 00:44:24

check in with the parts of you that are trying to fix these

Nicole Lohse: 00:44:28

survival patterns, right? Because as soon as that flavor

Nicole Lohse: 00:44:32

is there, you're getting in your own way, which is totally

Nicole Lohse: 00:44:34

understandable. It takes a lot of practice to start to identify

Nicole Lohse: 00:44:38

these flavors.

Kate Harlow: 00:44:39

Is the title of this episode.

Nicole Lohse: 00:44:42

This is how you get you're continuously getting

Nicole Lohse: 00:44:44

it, believe me, I do it all the time, but we need to catch

Nicole Lohse: 00:44:47

ourselves in it, yeah, acknowledge like, of course I'm

Nicole Lohse: 00:44:51

trying to find the answer. Of course I'm frustrated, and of

Nicole Lohse: 00:44:54

course I want this to be different. It's understandable,

Nicole Lohse: 00:44:57

and that pattern exists for a reason. And so let's shift to

Nicole Lohse: 00:45:01

jealousy. The jealousy exists for a reason, right? You can

Nicole Lohse: 00:45:05

even hear, as I'm acknowledging these two different reason

Nicole Lohse: 00:45:09

layers, there's already a softening, like, yeah, it makes

Nicole Lohse: 00:45:12

sense that there's frustration. You're over it, and it makes

Nicole Lohse: 00:45:15

sense the jealousy exists, yeah, now when you're exploring the

Nicole Lohse: 00:45:22

jealousy is the survival pattern and then the traumas at the

Nicole Lohse: 00:45:25

core. And you might not necessarily know what's there.

Nicole Lohse: 00:45:31

So you can first start by with these circles, even seeing them

Nicole Lohse: 00:45:35

as two different things, how you feel towards the pattern and

Nicole Lohse: 00:45:39

your survival pattern. Don't even need to know about the

Nicole Lohse: 00:45:42

trauma yet. And it's like, okay, these are different characters.

Nicole Lohse: 00:45:46

If I were to act out the because I know you love, you know,

Nicole Lohse: 00:45:50

acting out and and performing my how I feel towards it, it feels

Nicole Lohse: 00:45:55

this way. This is what I experienced when I'm like that

Nicole Lohse: 00:45:57

and when I just want it to be different. I'm so frustrated,

Nicole Lohse: 00:46:00

I'm so annoyed. And then when I'm the jealous piece, it feels

Nicole Lohse: 00:46:02

like this. And you know, it takes on this personality and

Nicole Lohse: 00:46:05

this character, and it feels like this in my body, or this is

Nicole Lohse: 00:46:09

what it looks like, right? So that you can start

Nicole Lohse: 00:46:12

differentiating these two as different things, then you can

Nicole Lohse: 00:46:16

start to explore the jealousy piece, like if you were either

Nicole Lohse: 00:46:20

observing the jealousy piece, or you are the jealousy piece. What

Nicole Lohse: 00:46:23

are you afraid? One of my favorite questions is, comes

Nicole Lohse: 00:46:25

from ifs internal family systems. One of my favorite

Nicole Lohse: 00:46:29

questions I ask is like, what is the jealousy afraid will happen

Nicole Lohse: 00:46:32

if it's not there? And a quick answer comes, I'll be alone,

Nicole Lohse: 00:46:37

abandonment, right? Maybe that's your answer. Maybe something

Nicole Lohse: 00:46:41

else

Kate Harlow: 00:46:41

comes out. When I was jealous, like, I think

Kate Harlow: 00:46:44

someone asked me that, and it was that my boyfriend will

Kate Harlow: 00:46:47

cheat, like the jealousy was like keeping him from cheating,

Kate Harlow: 00:46:50

which, I mean, it ruined our sex life in our relationship, but we

Kate Harlow: 00:46:53

it was when I was in my 20s and I had a five year relationship,

Kate Harlow: 00:46:57

but there, but I, someone asked me that one of my someone, I

Kate Harlow: 00:47:01

think this guy did persona therapy with and I and this, the

Kate Harlow: 00:47:05

fear was that he would cheat on me if I wasn't jealous, right?

Nicole Lohse: 00:47:11

So that's, I love, that you're naming that, because

Nicole Lohse: 00:47:13

that's like the first bit of information you get. And then

Nicole Lohse: 00:47:16

ultimately, we're kind of doing some digging to see what's the

Nicole Lohse: 00:47:19

core wound here, right? So it's like he's gonna cheat on me.

Nicole Lohse: 00:47:23

Well, what are you afraid will happen if he cheats on me? No,

Nicole Lohse: 00:47:26

there's layers here, until we reach the point of the trauma

Nicole Lohse: 00:47:30

and and to me, the trauma exists usually as well. Shames a whole

Nicole Lohse: 00:47:37

other story, because shames this intergenerational, passed down

Nicole Lohse: 00:47:41

thing. Can talk about that in a sec, but usually there's some

Nicole Lohse: 00:47:44

sort of terror involved there, right? The abandonment, it's

Nicole Lohse: 00:47:47

like complete terror, aloneness, shock, confusion, not knowing

Nicole Lohse: 00:47:53

what's going on. Usually, whatever's at the core of it, we

Nicole Lohse: 00:47:57

can map on what I what's called the threat response cycle, where

Nicole Lohse: 00:48:02

we're stuck in this moment where there was a perceived threat,

Nicole Lohse: 00:48:05

and we from then on, perceive that that threat is still

Nicole Lohse: 00:48:09

happening, and we can get stuck. I'll just keep it really simple

Nicole Lohse: 00:48:13

for now. But in the threat response cycle, we can be stuck

Nicole Lohse: 00:48:16

in the startle. We can be stuck in the shock. We can be stuck in

Nicole Lohse: 00:48:24

the preparatory state, where we're like on alert, like, wait,

Nicole Lohse: 00:48:28

what? What's happening? What, what's there's a change, and I

Nicole Lohse: 00:48:31

can't grasp what's happening in the change. And we can be stuck

Nicole Lohse: 00:48:34

in the defensiveness, which is usually the incomplete fight or

Nicole Lohse: 00:48:37

flee response, where I'm either stuck always in in fight mode,

Nicole Lohse: 00:48:42

or I'm stuck in always escaping, fleeing, difficult, challenging

Nicole Lohse: 00:48:46

situations. I can be stuck in the collapse. I can be stuck in

Nicole Lohse: 00:48:52

a rigid freeze where I'm holding all this tone all the time and

Nicole Lohse: 00:48:55

can't feel a thing. I can be stuck, yeah, lots of different

Nicole Lohse: 00:48:59

places. So usually when we do some inquiring into what's at

Nicole Lohse: 00:49:03

the core of it. So this abandonment, there's more of a

Nicole Lohse: 00:49:06

physiological response that's entangled in it, and the story

Nicole Lohse: 00:49:10

of abandonment, in this case, that's entangled in it. So the

Nicole Lohse: 00:49:14

more we can see what's at the core of the fragmented piece,

Nicole Lohse: 00:49:18

the easier it is to understand why the jealousy exists. Of

Nicole Lohse: 00:49:22

course, the jealousy exists. I don't want to feel the pain of

Nicole Lohse: 00:49:25

of abandonment and the terror that comes with abandonment,

Nicole Lohse: 00:49:29

like, Hello. I'd way rather be jealous, because that gives me a

Nicole Lohse: 00:49:32

sense of false power and, you

Kate Harlow: 00:49:34

know, torture every day.

Nicole Lohse: 00:49:38

So again, the more we understand the core, which,

Nicole Lohse: 00:49:41

you know, that's, that's where we do the deep work of healing

Nicole Lohse: 00:49:44

the trauma, the more we can also pan out and have more grace for

Nicole Lohse: 00:49:49

the many different ways we show up in the world. So by, yeah,

Nicole Lohse: 00:49:55

kind of getting to know the jealous part in this context and

Nicole Lohse: 00:49:58

acting it out, or. Writing it out, like, get let it take

Nicole Lohse: 00:50:02

character, let it show you. What is it there for? What is it

Nicole Lohse: 00:50:07

afraid will happen? What's its job? What's its duty? How long

Nicole Lohse: 00:50:12

has it been doing this? One of my favorite questions is like,

Nicole Lohse: 00:50:15

What year do you think it is? And a lot of times it's like,

Nicole Lohse: 00:50:18

1840 and it's like, yeah, exactly. We're working

Nicole Lohse: 00:50:21

intergenerational peace, and it's like, yeah, like past life

Nicole Lohse: 00:50:26

or past life exactly. And it's like lifetimes of having to have

Nicole Lohse: 00:50:30

lived in this because we're fragmented. Our soul has been

Nicole Lohse: 00:50:33

fragmented. Part of us is stuck, looping in this existence, and

Nicole Lohse: 00:50:38

our job is to hold that space, coherent space, this place of

Nicole Lohse: 00:50:42

grace, this place where we're the empathic witness, or the

Nicole Lohse: 00:50:47

what do you call it? Again here the heroine, the heroine, right?

Nicole Lohse: 00:50:50

We hold that to welcome that piece back home, to heal that

Nicole Lohse: 00:50:56

fragmented piece, to transform whatever it's stuck in, so that

Nicole Lohse: 00:51:01

it can be integrated back into the whole

Kate Harlow: 00:51:04

I love I love it so beautiful, and I love how

Kate Harlow: 00:51:07

nuanced it is. Like, it's just like subtle and nuanced, subtle

Kate Harlow: 00:51:12

and

Nicole Lohse: 00:51:12

nuance. And we will say sometimes our patterns

Nicole Lohse: 00:51:17

for them is extremely entangled and messy, and we have a lot of

Nicole Lohse: 00:51:22

teasing it apart before we actually get to the trauma

Nicole Lohse: 00:51:25

right, where it's like, let's just practice seeing the circles

Nicole Lohse: 00:51:29

and panning out whenever we can be like, of course, I'm

Nicole Lohse: 00:51:31

frustrated right now. Of course, I'm, you know, signing up for

Nicole Lohse: 00:51:34

another course, because I just want the answer, you know,

Nicole Lohse: 00:51:38

except my course, you're welcome to sign up for my course.

Kate Harlow: 00:51:41

But, I mean, obviously everyone needs that

Kate Harlow: 00:51:44

first.

Nicole Lohse: 00:51:49

Wow, yeah, the more we can see those layers,

Nicole Lohse: 00:51:52

the more we can have grace for ourselves, instead of be in

Nicole Lohse: 00:51:54

conflict with ourselves all

Kate Harlow: 00:51:56

the time. That's amazing. So, so if you were to,

Kate Harlow: 00:52:01

if you were to name how we're getting in our own way,

Nicole Lohse: 00:52:05

to say, use anything with an agenda and

Nicole Lohse: 00:52:08

yeah, wants to be different is how we get in our own way. The

Nicole Lohse: 00:52:12

frustrations

Kate Harlow: 00:52:13

during the checklist, let go. Him

Kate Harlow: 00:52:16

proposing, well,

Nicole Lohse: 00:52:17

don't even burn it. Just acknowledge, oh, that

Nicole Lohse: 00:52:21

you want an agenda, right? Exactly, right. The practice of

Nicole Lohse: 00:52:27

acknowledgement is so valuable and so impactful. And then

Nicole Lohse: 00:52:32

again, we're just holding the layers. It's like It all exists

Nicole Lohse: 00:52:36

for a reason.

Kate Harlow: 00:52:37

Yeah, it does. It's amazing. Wow. It's, I just,

Kate Harlow: 00:52:42

yeah, I just love how you articulate everything. It's so

Kate Harlow: 00:52:46

clear and so concrete, like, it just feels digestible. Thank

Kate Harlow: 00:52:53

you. There's a lot of noise. There's a lot of noise out

Kate Harlow: 00:52:55

there. Yeah, it's like, you're like, the brush of breath of

Kate Harlow: 00:52:59

fresh air, like, at the top of the mountain, like, Thank you,

Kate Harlow: 00:53:04

clear skies,

Nicole Lohse: 00:53:05

yeah, yeah, yeah. It's been cool in my own

Nicole Lohse: 00:53:07

journey, because, especially with us afraid of being seen

Nicole Lohse: 00:53:10

peace, right? It's, there's been a lot of hesitation to be on

Nicole Lohse: 00:53:14

social media and to, you know, play the marketing games and to

Nicole Lohse: 00:53:19

do this and to do that, and as a hermit, as you would call me,

Nicole Lohse: 00:53:21

the need to go inward and make sense of things myself is so

Nicole Lohse: 00:53:28

important before I'm teaching it, yes, and I'm definitely well

Nicole Lohse: 00:53:32

on the journey with you all as well. Like I continue to have my

Nicole Lohse: 00:53:36

own survival patterns and deep layers of trauma that I'm

Nicole Lohse: 00:53:40

ongoingly healing, and I'm happy to report that as I continue to

Nicole Lohse: 00:53:46

do my work, it becomes easier. It's not always easy, but it

Nicole Lohse: 00:53:50

becomes easier because I'm coming at it with more

Nicole Lohse: 00:53:54

coherence, more spaciousness, more ability to hold what is

Nicole Lohse: 00:53:58

instead of just like bouncing around from one pattern to the

Nicole Lohse: 00:54:01

other pattern, and just in conflict with myself trying to

Nicole Lohse: 00:54:04

make it all be different. It's like, oh, wait, I can exist in

Nicole Lohse: 00:54:07

grace, and I can exist within that spaciousness and hold off

Nicole Lohse: 00:54:12

for being human and and I want to also name that I'm not just

Nicole Lohse: 00:54:16

doing that for myself, but I'm doing that for everyone on this

Nicole Lohse: 00:54:20

planet. And that's the that's the other practice here is, how

Nicole Lohse: 00:54:24

can we pause and notice how we're experiencing other people?

Nicole Lohse: 00:54:30

Are we in conflict with their survival patterns? You know,

Nicole Lohse: 00:54:34

yes, most people are existing in their survival patterns, and

Nicole Lohse: 00:54:38

here we are having judgment towards them. You know,

Nicole Lohse: 00:54:41

projecting on them, and in that third circle, really, really

Nicole Lohse: 00:54:47

unable to see them as a whole human being that is fragmented

Nicole Lohse: 00:54:52

and showing up in the world in these ways, where they're just

Nicole Lohse: 00:54:55

trying to survive, they're just stuck, looping, perceiving the.

Nicole Lohse: 00:55:00

Looping to get them looping, looping, or looping, looping,

Kate Harlow: 00:55:04

loop. I mean, you could call it looping. Even made

Kate Harlow: 00:55:09

it better. It was born here on the new truth. There we

Nicole Lohse: 00:55:13

go. We're shipping a looping,

Kate Harlow: 00:55:18

yeah, that allows you to practice compassionate,

Kate Harlow: 00:55:22

more compassionately, and how much time I mean, it blows my

Kate Harlow: 00:55:26

mind. It feels like it's amplified right now. And maybe

Kate Harlow: 00:55:30

it's just because everyone's voices are amplified right now.

Kate Harlow: 00:55:32

I realized, as I said, that that's probably why, because

Kate Harlow: 00:55:35

everyone you know has always from their survival patterns in

Kate Harlow: 00:55:39

the third circle, gossips complaint. Talked about other

Kate Harlow: 00:55:43

people behind their back, but now they're doing it publicly on

Kate Harlow: 00:55:46

Facebook and like, oh my god, some billionaire guy had an

Kate Harlow: 00:55:49

affair at the Coldplay concert. Next thing you know, everybody's

Kate Harlow: 00:55:52

posting about, like, Who gives a shit?

Nicole Lohse: 00:55:54

And why is it yours to post? Yeah, and this is

Nicole Lohse: 00:55:58

where it's like, we can have, we can have compassion for their

Nicole Lohse: 00:56:02

need to post, right? It's like, do I have judgment for their

Nicole Lohse: 00:56:05

need to post? Or can I have compassion but also be in the

Nicole Lohse: 00:56:09

disgust and be like, That's not okay, right? So I do want to

Nicole Lohse: 00:56:13

point out, when we're we can hold space for people's survival

Nicole Lohse: 00:56:17

patterns. It doesn't mean that we just are like, You do

Nicole Lohse: 00:56:19

whatever you want, like, walk all over me because it's your

Nicole Lohse: 00:56:21

survival pattern. It's like, I see you in that and here's my

Nicole Lohse: 00:56:25

boundary. That's not okay, yes, that's disgusting, that's

Nicole Lohse: 00:56:29

doesn't meet my values. What's important to me. And I don't

Nicole Lohse: 00:56:33

want to engage with this dynamic anymore, but it's coming from a

Nicole Lohse: 00:56:37

clear place, instead of a survival pattern, just, you

Nicole Lohse: 00:56:40

know, being cheeky or being a jerk towards their survival

Nicole Lohse: 00:56:45

patterns. And I want to name it's a practice like, what I'm

Nicole Lohse: 00:56:48

inviting into is an ongoing practice and way of life. It's

Nicole Lohse: 00:56:52

not easy, but it's we're catching these layers that are

Nicole Lohse: 00:56:55

at play. And, you know, my principles are pause and notice.

Nicole Lohse: 00:56:59

Like I'm constantly pausing and noticing. Am I in a survival

Nicole Lohse: 00:57:02

pattern? Am I in these qualities of how I feel towards my

Nicole Lohse: 00:57:05

survival patterns trying to fix having the agenda? How can I

Nicole Lohse: 00:57:10

continue to pause and notice my experiences? Can I connect back

Nicole Lohse: 00:57:14

into that sense of wholeness? So am I pausing and noticing? Do I

Nicole Lohse: 00:57:18

have awareness of what layers are at play. Can I bring

Nicole Lohse: 00:57:21

curiosity to them when I have the space to Can I recognize

Nicole Lohse: 00:57:25

that there's nothing to fix and I'm already whole, as is

Nicole Lohse: 00:57:28

everyone else, right? And like, how do I continue to integrate

Nicole Lohse: 00:57:32

that into my everyday life? This is an ongoing practice, yes,

Nicole Lohse: 00:57:37

yeah,

Kate Harlow: 00:57:38

which is why you shared that you're on the path

Kate Harlow: 00:57:40

too, and the greatest teachers are because the path never ends

Kate Harlow: 00:57:43

and it's and the work only deepens at the more you the

Kate Harlow: 00:57:47

deeper you go into your own journey, and the more expanded

Kate Harlow: 00:57:52

you go exactly. I Oh, I had a question from the last thing

Kate Harlow: 00:57:59

you're saying, and now, where is it? What was the last thing you

Kate Harlow: 00:58:05

said?

Nicole Lohse: 00:58:05

Was talking about my principles, pausing and

Nicole Lohse: 00:58:07

noticing, awareness and curiosity. Nothing to fix

Nicole Lohse: 00:58:11

already.

Kate Harlow: 00:58:11

Oh, yeah, yeah. What would be? What would you

Kate Harlow: 00:58:15

say? Would be cues? Or how would someone know if they're in

Nicole Lohse: 00:58:23

their wholeness. Hmm, good question. Do you want

Nicole Lohse: 00:58:28

to answer first?

Nicole Lohse: 00:58:32

No, so you answer, okay, so I'll first pose it as a question, and

Nicole Lohse: 00:58:36

then I'll share my experience. So when I'm in the third circle,

Nicole Lohse: 00:58:42

I have more tension. I'm trying to fix. I'm having conflict. And

Nicole Lohse: 00:58:47

you know, want it to be different when I'm in the second

Nicole Lohse: 00:58:49

circle, in my survival pattern, I also have an experience,

Nicole Lohse: 00:58:53

depending on what the survival pattern is. Let's stay with my

Nicole Lohse: 00:58:55

usual one of staying small, right? I feel my shoulders go

Nicole Lohse: 00:59:00

down and my voice, oops, I'm even quieter with my voice,

Nicole Lohse: 00:59:05

right? I'm my I can't even find my words right now as I'm

Nicole Lohse: 00:59:09

entering that pattern. And if I pan out and acknowledge this

Nicole Lohse: 00:59:15

part of me that feels small or needs to still stay small, if I

Nicole Lohse: 00:59:20

acknowledge how I feel towards it, if I acknowledge why I need

Nicole Lohse: 00:59:25

to stay small, with the awareness of my ancestral line

Nicole Lohse: 00:59:29

and what happened in the past, I can breathe more. You can even

Nicole Lohse: 00:59:35

hear my voice. My voice is very different right now than when I

Nicole Lohse: 00:59:38

was in my survival pattern. I I feel an expansive state around

Nicole Lohse: 00:59:44

me. Time feels to me, seems to move slower. There's the sense

Nicole Lohse: 00:59:50

of grace and ease and love, and I feel very present in my in

Nicole Lohse: 00:59:58

this state of wholeness. I'm so I can feel the differences in

Nicole Lohse: 01:00:05

between all the layers. And for me, that's what I'm constantly

Nicole Lohse: 01:00:10

pausing and noticing, Oh, there I am in my hiding. Oh, there I

Nicole Lohse: 01:00:15

am in my judgment towards it. Oh, right, there.

Kate Harlow: 01:00:18

Love it. You can literally, physically, I mean,

Kate Harlow: 01:00:21

when you were moving back a little bit, this will be on

Kate Harlow: 01:00:24

YouTube eventually, but the you can actually see yourself going

Kate Harlow: 01:00:29

through the circles

Nicole Lohse: 01:00:30

totally, right? Like my body changes, and that's

Nicole Lohse: 01:00:33

where, you know, all these stories lie within your energy

Nicole Lohse: 01:00:36

field. They lie within your cells, you know? And that's what

Nicole Lohse: 01:00:39

I love about the intergenerational pieces is we

Nicole Lohse: 01:00:42

have the science has proven seven generations stories exist

Nicole Lohse: 01:00:48

within our cells, within our DNA. So you know, there's our

Nicole Lohse: 01:00:54

what we're doing here is we're rewriting the stories that lie

Nicole Lohse: 01:00:57

within ourselves way our nervous system has been programmed and

Nicole Lohse: 01:01:02

wired. We are rewriting that programming right, and we're

Nicole Lohse: 01:01:07

remembering that we are this coherence. We are this state of

Nicole Lohse: 01:01:12

flow. We are this place of flexibility, of regulation, of

Nicole Lohse: 01:01:18

stability, yet fluidity, right? Like we are, that we just tend

Nicole Lohse: 01:01:24

to exist within our fragmented pieces instead of remembering

Nicole Lohse: 01:01:27

that we are this.

Kate Harlow: 01:01:29

I love that. Yeah. So clear. So if someone wants to

Kate Harlow: 01:01:34

rewrite the program in their cells or whatever you said, I

Kate Harlow: 01:01:39

can't remember the exact phrase, how do they work with you? How

Kate Harlow: 01:01:43

do you how? What do you do?

Nicole Lohse: 01:01:45

I will, I'll say, I do have a podcast that I

Nicole Lohse: 01:01:48

stopped doing because I needed to take some time to go inward

Nicole Lohse: 01:01:51

and continue to evolve my own experiences. But there that's a

Nicole Lohse: 01:01:55

great resource. It's called the experiential podcast, so I

Nicole Lohse: 01:02:00

welcome you to check that out. We never got to do an episode,

Nicole Lohse: 01:02:04

which is mind blowing, but I was saving you for a certain topic,

Nicole Lohse: 01:02:08

and when I never got there. So one day, I'll start one day. So

Nicole Lohse: 01:02:14

that's a great resource. And then on my website, you'll also

Nicole Lohse: 01:02:19

find, we'll find a downloadable, free resource that goes great

Nicole Lohse: 01:02:22

with the podcast, which can help you map this out, just like we

Nicole Lohse: 01:02:27

did today. And then, program wise, I have a few offerings.

Nicole Lohse: 01:02:32

One is a study group. It's a low commitment offering where we

Nicole Lohse: 01:02:37

meet once a month for four months, and you have some

Nicole Lohse: 01:02:39

content to go through, and our conversations together as a

Nicole Lohse: 01:02:43

group allow deeper understanding of the content you're going

Nicole Lohse: 01:02:46

through, the self explorations you're doing. And then if you

Nicole Lohse: 01:02:49

want to book one on ones for me while you're doing the study

Nicole Lohse: 01:02:52

group, you can. And then I also, in the fall, run my bigger

Nicole Lohse: 01:02:57

program, which is discover. And I'm in the midst of trying to

Nicole Lohse: 01:03:00

decide if I want to do the usual four months or actually make it

Nicole Lohse: 01:03:03

a larger commitment, but stay tuned at discover is we meet on

Nicole Lohse: 01:03:09

a weekly basis. There's eight modules, there's tons of content

Nicole Lohse: 01:03:13

to support you in understanding more of these layers that are at

Nicole Lohse: 01:03:16

play, connecting you more with your internal and external

Nicole Lohse: 01:03:21

experiences, and just understanding more of the

Nicole Lohse: 01:03:24

complexity of what it means to be human and how to have again

Nicole Lohse: 01:03:28

grace in it all as well. So, yeah, the best thing to do is

Nicole Lohse: 01:03:33

book a call with me, and then we can chat about what's what's the

Nicole Lohse: 01:03:36

right fit, and we can go from there.

Kate Harlow: 01:03:40

Amazing is your website, Nicole laos.com, it

Kate Harlow: 01:03:43

sure is okay. So we'll link that below, and we'll also link the

Kate Harlow: 01:03:47

link to book a call. Can we do that below the episode? Yeah,

Kate Harlow: 01:03:51

and, and then all the freebie stuff you talked about, we'll

Kate Harlow: 01:03:54

just link that all below the episode. And, yeah, amazing. So

Kate Harlow: 01:04:00

beautiful. I mean, I've done lots of work with you over the

Kate Harlow: 01:04:04

years, and I mean, it's life it's life changing, really,

Kate Harlow: 01:04:08

because it's like, it's, it's getting intimate with your own

Kate Harlow: 01:04:11

blueprint. And it's so beautiful, so and powerful.

Kate Harlow: 01:04:17

Thanks. So highly recommend Nicole for those of you who are

Kate Harlow: 01:04:21

ready to change your story and to sit with out of your own way,

Kate Harlow: 01:04:25

sit with all your parts and get out of your own way, yeah, if

Kate Harlow: 01:04:28

you're really ready to get out of your own way and book a call

Kate Harlow: 01:04:32

with Nicole, and also you're just such a love just to meet

Kate Harlow: 01:04:34

you and have a conversation with you. Are there any final words

Kate Harlow: 01:04:38

you have for our new truthers?

Nicole Lohse: 01:04:41

Just invite you to also remember again hard if play

Nicole Lohse: 01:04:48

was never a part of your experience growing up, but how

Nicole Lohse: 01:04:52

can you find more play? How can you find more creativity? How

Nicole Lohse: 01:04:56

can you play with the edges that are uncomfortable? Role within

Nicole Lohse: 01:05:01

those realms of play and creativity to notice both the

Nicole Lohse: 01:05:04

discomfort and the fear as well as what's possible when you

Nicole Lohse: 01:05:08

start to tap into those dynamics. Because, yeah, so much

Nicole Lohse: 01:05:13

can happen when we allow those layers to come online, beautiful

Nicole Lohse: 01:05:19

and again, they're not online because of trauma. Understand

Nicole Lohse: 01:05:23

that, and then, yeah, you can map that out. But yeah, how do

Nicole Lohse: 01:05:25

we have more fun with this, all of this?

Kate Harlow: 01:05:27

You know that? Yeah, that's good at that.

Kate Harlow: 01:05:30

Goals, yeah, it's just like, why are we taking this so serious?

Kate Harlow: 01:05:33

Come on. Like, exactly, yeah, yeah. Love it. Love you so much.

Kate Harlow: 01:05:38

Thank you for sharing all your brilliance and wisdom and your

Kate Harlow: 01:05:42

heart, yes, my pleasure, yeah. All right. And for those of you

Kate Harlow: 01:05:47

listening, I think this is probably going to be an episode

Kate Harlow: 01:05:51

you listen to many times, but definitely share it with all

Kate Harlow: 01:05:53

your sisters out there who you know are operating from their

Kate Harlow: 01:05:56

fragmented parts and beating themselves up for operating

Kate Harlow: 01:05:59

their fragmented parts, who need to hear this message, and we'll

Kate Harlow: 01:06:02

see you next week. You.